For the past few weeks, this song has been going through my head.
The beginning lyrics say, "You are good, You are good, when there's nothing good in me..." Right now there is nothing good in me. I had thought I had reached the bottom a few months ago, but I was wrong. I am drowning, sinking, and there is nothing I can do except cling to the knowledge that God is in control, and for a control freak like me, that is not something that I like.
Last night we saw Dr. Fishbein about Juliana. She is now at 19 lbs 12 oz, and will most likely meet my and Ryan's goal of 20 lbs by 20 months (insert a hell yeah here) so that we can finally change her to a forward facing car seat and get her out of that ridiculous infant seat that she came home from the hospital in as a baby. Dr. Fishbein told us that after we do the stomach emptying study (yes, we still have to do that after the first fiasco) he doesn't have anything else up his sleeve as to why Juliana doesn't like to eat/won't gain weight unless on an appetite stimulant, which is a bit disheartening. He is also interested in hearing what the geneticist says when we see that doctor next year, and he hadn't gotten any of the lab results from any of the genetic testing they had done when we were in the hospital back in October.
So, at the end of 2010, here we stand, with still no answers. Don't get me wrong, I realize that in the past year Juliana has made some huge gains, and I am very proud of all she has accomplished. I'm just saying that the past 19.5 months of her life has taken a toll on her momma and her daddy. We are mentally and physically worn out. I am hoping that this 2 week break from school will help me to recharge for 2011 and all the appointments, therapies, and new doctors that we are scheduled to see.