Monday, February 6, 2012

Chili Dawg's Story...

When Chili Dawg was diagnosed with cancer, I felt like the world stopped spinning.  Little did I know that our cancer journey was going to lead me to one of the most supportive communities that I have ever met.  Every time a new person shows up, we usually say, "welcome to the club that no one wants to join, but everyone is glad they did," and that is totally how it is.  You don't want your dog to lose a leg or have cancer, but the people you meet through that are some of the best people you will ever meet.  One of my friends on the tripawds website wrote this story for Noah.  Her name is Shari and she gave me permission to share it.  I put it on my tripawds blog, but I also wanted to put it on this one as well.

Chili Dawg's Story
The day was quiet and peaceful and serene. Of course it was. The Father approached a group of dogs dozing in the sun near a large Catalpa tree. The tree was in full bloom, as always, and some of the dogs were asleep in the tree's shade. As the Father approached the dogs, a few lazily opened an eye to glance at him.
The Father sat down in the grass under the Catalpa and began to pick apart sprigs of grass. The dogs roused themselves and became more alert. A Dalmatian looked at his companions and then at the Father and asked, “Is everything okay?” 

“Well,” said the Father, “I have a need, and it will be difficult.”
 
 
“Ah,” said the Dalmatian.

“Go ahead and tell us,” said the Collie, sitting up.
The Father looked at all the dogs in the group before answering. “You know I've asked many of you, my companions, to help in earthly affairs over the millenia. I have a need now that is urgent and I cannot simply assign it to one of you. This is a need whose fulfillment must come as a gift.”
 “Well, tell us what makes it so difficult,” said the Beagle.
“And urgent,” added the Scotty.
The Father smiled at them briefly, and then his brow creased with concern. “My friends, there is a young woman who has become discouraged and defeated. She has been injured and her injury has been devastating. She is not healing. Her spirit needs more than it is finding in her life. She has much love surrounding her, but she needs more. She needs one of you.”
The dogs looked at each other for a moment before the Poodle spoke. “Father,” she said, “we've done this before. Why is this different?”
“Because you won't be coming back,” replied the Father. “Not right away. Not for a long time. I am asking for one of you to voluntarily give up your home here and live a natural life there. With her. With the family she will make. Her need is great enough to require your love and dedication for a natural lifetime. This will not be a quick trip.”
 
 
There was silence as the dogs considered what they had been told. The few who remained laying down now sat up, and many shifted their weight nervously as they thought of the implications of a giving up their place here and living for years with this woman whom they did not know. Finally, the Husky spoke. “It sounds like a lot of work,” she said.
The Father looked directly into her icy blue eyes and said, “Yes.”
“And it sounds like there is no guarantee that it will be easy,” said the Saint Bernard.
“No,” answered the Father.
Again there was silence. After a moment, the Father rose and turned to walk away, intending to allow the dogs to consider what he had said.

“Wait.”
The Father stopped and paused before turning around. He knew who had spoken.
 
 
“Father, I just have one question.” The ruddy Golden Retriever stood but looked at the ground.
“Of course.”
The Golden looked at the Father and asked, “Will I be loved?”
The Father's eyes crinkled as he smiled broadly. “Oh yes! Indeed, you will be loved beyond what you can imagine!”
The Golden paused. “Then I will go.”
The Father nodded slowly. “They will give you a name. I can show them whatever name you would like to be called. You are a beautiful, gentle soul and can choose a name to reflect your spirit.”
The Golden thoughtfully nodded. He sat back down and gazed off toward the river shining in the distance. A slight smile came over his face as he turned back to the Father. “Please tell them my name is Chili Dawg.”
Murmurs broke out among the other dogs. They had been sitting respectfully as the Golden and the Father talked, but now some of the murmurs turned to laughter.
“What?” asked the Father. “Why in the world would you want something like that? That sounds like something a Labrador would pick.”
The Labrador in the group laughed loudly and raised a paw in the air and waved it.
The Golden smilingly said, “Well, if this is to be my life, I want to enjoy it. I want to be loved, and I want to have fun. So I want a fun name.”
“Oh you will have love and fun both, Chili,” said the Father. He walked over to the Golden and squatted down to look him directly in the eye. He put his arms around the dog's neck and buried his face in the ruff of his neck and whispered, “You're a good boy.”
The Father stood up and looked at the group. He asked, “Do any of you have any questions?”
“Yes sir, I do,” said the Boxer. “Can I go with him?”
A look of thoughtful amusement crossed the Father's face. “Hmm, two of you? Well...yes, but not just yet. Chili will give a great gift that will cost him a great sacrifice. This family will need you more then than now.”

“Sacrifice?” asked Chili.
 
 
“Yes, Chili. Gifts this special cost a great deal. Surely you know that.”
“Yes,” said Chili. “I do. But what does this mean for me?”
The Father walked back to Chili and put his hand on Chili's head. “You will take away her pain with your love and acceptance. But you will know pain as well. You will live as an ordinary dog and you will have extraordinary love. When your time is done, you will die from a perfectly ordinary disease. You will be released from your pain, and that release will again cause great pain to this woman, to her family. Then you,” he said, nodding to the Boxer, “will help them heal.”
The group of dogs murmured again. “But Father, “said the Greyhound, “when does this ever end?”
“Yes,” said the Pug, “if we heal a human heart, but then their heart breaks again when we leave, when does it end?”
“Well,” said the Father, “I have made the human heart with the capacity to break and heal this way over and over again. The best thing I ever did when I made them was to give them the ability to persevere and take chances, even when things seem bleak. They find their strength in this breaking and mending. This is how I demonstrate my love through them.  My heart breaks when they leave me, but it is always an open heart, waiting to be healed with their return. When one of you leaves them and their heart breaks, there is another waiting to show them how to love and heal again. Their capacity in this is endless, as is my love.”
“I understand,” said the Boxer. “I will be needed, so I will wait here until you tell me to go help Chili.”
 
 
“Thank you,” Chili Dawg said to the Boxer. “I have a feeling that I will need you more than I can imagine right now.”
“Well Chili, you'd better get ready to go. There is a man down there who doesn't know he is expecting you. He has a wife who doesn't know she needs you. She won't be thrilled to see you, Chili, but she will come around. And you will be amazed at how fiercely she will come to love you. And the children, too.”
 
 
“Children?” asked Chili and the Boxer together.
“Oh yes!” said the Father. “Didn't I tell you there will be children one day? Would it have made a difference, Chili?”
“I would have volunteered sooner, had I known I would get children,” Chili said. His big tail swung broadly with happiness.
“Then let's get you there so you can get to work. And you, my Boxer friend, won't have long to wait. Now, let's go.”
 
 
Chili walked over to the the Boxer and they touched noses for a moment in goodbye. The Boxer sat down under the tree, prepared to wait as long as was necessary. Chili turned and left, ready to begin his new life as a perfectly ordinary, extraordinary dog. And on earth, a family had no idea of the gift that was about to come to them.


Sunday, January 1, 2012

Tripawds & Monkeybutts

I hung my Tripawds calendar today.  Guess who's Mr. January?


I also hung my Monkeybutt calendar today.  Zephie is Miss January, but Finchy will make an appearance this year.

Friday, December 30, 2011

A Final Tribute To My Special Friend...

Ever since we had Noah, Ryan makes a DVD of all the videos we record of the kids and dogs from the year and then we send them to all our family members scattered across the country.  This year, Ryan said to me, "I want to end the DVD with a tribute to Chili Dawg".  I told him I wasn't ready to go through all of the pictures of him yet.  I am healing, but I have not reached that part of the journey yet.  Don't believe me?  I have a box of photographs that I ordered before Chili Dawg crossed the Rainbow Bridge that arrived after we put him to sleep.  It is still sitting in the same spot in our bedroom and hasn't moved or been opened yet.

My loving husband understood what I was saying, and sat down at the computer for several days and pulled pictures of Chili Dawg from the 8.5 years that we had with him.  He had only one request of me- I had to choose one of the songs that played in the video.  I didn't want to do that either, but the day came when Ryan forced my hand and I chose a song by Jason Castro (the kid with the dreads from American Idol), and Ryan chose the other song also by Jason Castro.

I know many of you are tired of me writing about Chili Dawg, and that is fine (that's why the heading says "a final tribute").  There are just a couple more things that I would like to share about him before we begin the new year. 

Several people expressed concern that we amputated his leg, saying dogs are meant to have four legs.  We learned through this journey, that as they say on the tripawds website: "dogs are made with 3 legs and a spare".  Since Chili was only with us for a short 3.5 months post-amputation, these "doubters" did not get to see him on his three legs, so I want to share a video of him two months after his amputation.  I don't think he looks like he's having a hard time, do you?


I realize that Chili Dawg was not my whole life.  However, he gave me a gift when he broke me out of my depression after my brain injury.  He was my special companion, my heart dog.  There will never be another one of those.

Today marks four months since Chili Dawg left us, and the last thing I want to share is the video that Ryan put together to remember Chili Dawg.  I think he did a really nice job, he even included my parents' Fred the Beagle & Jaime & Bill's Princess Leia in it who crossed the Rainbow Bridge before Chili Dawg.  So, sit back and enjoy the final tribute to my special friend.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Happy Birthday, Ryan!

Today is Ryan's birthday.  He claims he's a "Fall baby", because Winter doesn't start until December 21st.  He will argue this point with you until you are blue in the face, so don't even try to explain to him that he's not really a Fall baby. 

There are many reasons why I love my husband.  Here are just a few.

5) The man can cook!  Have you ever had his Green Burritos?!? I could eat those every week and never get tired of them.

4)  When we found out in May that the Chili Dawg had a cancer that was fatal, he still made the decision to amputate his leg, knowing that was what I wanted to do, but was afraid to say because of the cost. Then, in August, when we had to put the Chili Dawg to sleep, he made sure the paperwork was filled out so that I got Chili Dawg's ashes back.

3) He has a work ethic like no other (which is good and bad at the same time).  Three days a week he gets up at 4 AM to work out or go for a 5 mile run.  I prefer the comfort of my bed too much to get up that early to workout.

2) He is most content staying home with the family (again, good and bad at the same time, because I think he may turn into a hermit if I ever die and the kids grow up & move away).

1) He is an excellent dad.  He took the day off to take Juliana to the cardiologist, and also was able to make it to Noah's preschool program afterwards.  On Sunday when Noah desperately wanted to have a picnic for lunch, he set up a picnic lunch in the living room with the Polar Express on.

My list could go on and on, but I think you get the point.  Happy Birthday, Ryan!



Friday, December 16, 2011

Christmas Surprise...

The last 2.5 years have been a bit draining both emotionally and physically.  Juliana has had a lot going on health wise, and then Chili Dawg was thrown into the mix this past year.  When we lost him, things just seemed to drain me even more.  Going into this month, I wasn't looking forward to Christmas.  I tried to get into the spirit for my kids.  Noah is looking forward to it so much.  He picks the story about Jesus' birth almost every single night.

This week, things stepped into high speed.  Ryan went out of town.  Juliana had her re-evaluation for physical therapy.  I didn't even think about it, because she was discharged from PT back in April, she didn't qualify for it when she was re-evaluated in July, so I didn't even think I should consider it when time came for it this month.  Juli requalified for PT.  It's not a bad thing, I know.  She's going to get the help she needs, so hopefully she won't need it later in life.  It was just one more thing added on.  Tuesday night, I was pretty bummed.  I stayed up later than normal, having a paper grading fiesta (the end of our semester is the 22nd, so I have to stay on top of my grading right now).  When I finally went to bed, I was just drifting off to sleep, when a cry made me sit straight up in bed.  I stumbled into Juli's room and was hit by THE odor.  I started to call for Ryan, because I needed backup, and then I realized that I was alone.  I wanted to cry, because the vomit went from one end of the crib to the other, all over the bumpers, the sheets, blankets, and all over Juliana and her hair.  The saddest part?  She was crying and was sound asleep.

I stripped as much off her crib as I could with her sleeping, got the washer started and a bath ready.  Then I took her temperature and woke her up.  She had a fever of almost 103 and then she began to wail.  I gave her the world's quickest bath to get her as clean as I could and then got her into new jammies and remade her crib (this is where it would have helped to have Ryan home).  Then, I went downstairs, turned on my laptop and wrote my subplans for the next day.  I finally got to bed almost 2 hours later, and of course neither kid slept in the next day. 

Why am I telling you all of this?  Because it sets the stage for what I am about to write next.  I had originally taken Thursday off (so, yes, I had Wednesday off with sick Juliana, and Thursday off) because Juliana had a cardiologist appointment and Noah had his preschool program duirng the day.  Both were at times fairly close together, so Ryan also took the day off (yes, he came back into town after the puking was over). 

Ryan took Juliana to the cardiologist, and this is where the Christmas surprise comes into play.  I was on my way to Noah's program with my mom, when my cell phone rang.  Ryan told me that Juliana's heart no longer had any holes in it, it wasn't enlarged anymore, and they didn't see any evidence of hardening either.  I cried a bit in the car.  Juliana doesn't need to see the cardiologist anymore.  We get to cross this doctor off her long list of doctors now (don't get me wrong, we LOVED Juliana's cardiologist, but heart problems are scary)!  That is quite a Christmas present.  As a bonus, Ryan and Juli even made it on time to Noah's Christmas program too, and Juli was very proud to see her brother on stage singing and dancing.

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Tripawd Heroes, Volume One...

The weekend after we put the Chili Dawg to sleep, Jim and Rene announced on the Tripawds website that they were looking to put together a book about Tripawds and their stories.  They were only accepting 25 entries for the first volume.  You were limited to 250 words, to write about why your tripawd was a hero, and send a couple photographs of your tripawd. 

Even though I had just lost the Chili Dawg, I thought I would give it a try.  The hard part was cutting my writing down to only 250 words.  The first draft I emailed in just talked about his cancer, and I immediately regretted that entry, because it didn't talk at all about what Chili Dawg did for me and how he changed my life.  I sat down and re-wrote my entry.  Jim and Rene were very understanding and kindly accepted my second entry as the actual entry. 

I only told Ryan that I entered, I didn't tell anyone else, because I didn't want to be disappointed.  There are a lot of amazing tripawd dogs out there with equally amazing stories to be shared.  Well guess what?  We made it into the book!!!  It was announced to today in the forum, and if you scroll down, you will see Chili Dawg's name in there, he's the 8th name on the list!  So, not only do I get to buy the book about a bunch of Tripawd Heroes, but I can say that my dog is in there too.

Friday, September 30, 2011

So Long September...

I'll be honest, I'm glad September is over.  It's been one month since we put the Chili Dawg to sleep.  It hasn't been an easy month for me.  I have been full of sadness and anger.  I miss my Chili Dawg.  When I had a bad day, I could count on him for a snuggle- he had the softest fur.  He never stopped smiling.  Even on his last day with us, when he couldn't even walk or stand up to greet us at the door, he still beat his tail on the floor, grinning, until we came over to greet him.
Chili's last day- still smiling
I've been angry that he was taken from us so soon.  I know some of you are saying, "he was just a dog, get over it already", but you clearly don't understand the healing power of animals (and I'm not talking about that weird stuff you see on 900 commercials).  He was special.  He brought me out of my darkness.  I know that God sent him to us to help free me from my depression and anger after my brain injury.  I've been trying to find the joy during all of this and it hasn't been easy for me. 

Here is what the Chili Dawg taught me: 1) he loved me unconditionally, just like God does, 2) you can still be beautiful when you're missing a limb, 3) live in the moment, 4) it is possible to smile & be happy through the pain.

If it wasn't for Chili Dawg's cancer, I would never have found the Tripawds website & joined "the club that no one wants to join, but everyone is glad they did".  If I had not found the Tripawds website, I would never have formed the friendships that I have since formed.  The people that I met have helped me through the beginning of Chili's battle with cancer and the end of Chili's battle with cancer, and I can never thank them enough.  The support they have shown me this past month has been incredible- the emails, the cards, the private messages, & forum posts.  I may never meet them face to face, but we are bonded through our dogs.

So while I still have a paw shaped hole in my heart, I will focus on the good memories of my Chili Dawg and try to move on.  Dakota Dawg's Mom, Shari, suggested that Noah and I make a memory book so that Noah and Juliana are able to remember him when they get older.  I think that is a good idea, and we will get started on that soon.  So, run free, Chili Dawg.  I'll catch you on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge.

Faithful friend