Sunday, November 14, 2010

So Much To Think About...

I didn't want to go to church today, but I knew I needed to go.  I have been angry with God for a while.  I sit in church and feel like a fraud.  I sing the songs and tell people I'm fine but I'm not.  I tell my friends who are hurting that I'll pray for them, and I really mean it and I really do it, but when they ask me what they can pray about for me, I say "oh nothing we're fine".  Why do I do that?  I spent the first year of Juliana's life praying to God for her to get better and for the doctor's to figure out what was wrong with her and we heard nothing.  An entire year was spent praying to God and nothing came of it.  I felt like I didn't matter.  So then I got angry and climbed up my hill and stuck my middle fingers up in the air and said, "well screw you then, I can do it by myself."  It's been six months since I've taken on that attitude, and clearly that isn't working either.

Someone told me that God was going to "teach us something through this".  I told that person that that was a load of horse crap (well, I used a different word, but I have to keep this G-rated) because what kind of loving God would use an innocent baby as a lesson?  Seriously?  Are you kidding me?  My mom tried to give me a different explanation and I wasn't buying it at the time either-sorry Mom.

So this brings me back to the beginning.  I didn't want to go to church this morning, but I did.  Dennis gave an excellent sermon on worry.  It was like it was written for me (well played, God, well played).  The descriptions fit me to a "t"- up at 3 am, not sleeping, not eating, etc.  It ended with Dennis challenging us to give our worries back to God.  Now, I'm not saying that I'm ready to do that, because I'm still angry, but it definitely has given me something to think about while I am up at midnight or 3 am.


  1. You can't do this alone my sweet must let others bear the burden with must imagine holding Juliana in your arms and offering her to God...such a hard, hard thing to do...because I have done this time and time again with you and your sister. God is trustworthy...have faith my girl. I love you so.

  2. I'm glad you are being honest with your feelings, since God knows deep down how you feel anyway. I don't know why God keeps allowing you to have suffering, but He loves you and He loves Juliana even more than you do.

  3. Your honesty is refreshing. I was thinking about you this morning as I drove to get my daily Diet Coke. I was listening to someone talk about Romans 5:3-5...."We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us - they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength in character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. And this expectation will not disappoint us. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." I was thinking just how much character, endurance and strength you've grown this year. We, too, are praying for you and your family. Don't give up....keep fighting & praying. I know we've never met....but I feel that I'm getting to know you some through your blog and Jaime. If there is ever anything we can do....don't hesitate to ask. I hope this coming week will be a calm one....

  4. I mean this in the right way...every Sunday you sit in a room full of frauds. We are all there (including me...chief fraud) because we are know we are and we don't want to be.

    Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and you've been on a year long uphill mile. Keep running! It will get better, and you will get better.

  5. This is an age old question Why do innocent children have bad things happen to them? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do Christians die horrible deaths. Well there is not an easy answer.

    But for firsts God did not chose Juliana to have this, it happened because there is sin and evil in the world. Sin is allowed in the world so we can have free will and choose to do right or wrong. He does not want her to be ill, He loves her. then why doesnt he fix her? I do not know. Why doesnt he fix my GERD or my heart? or the mentally handicapped or children with cancer? I dont know.

    I have been angry at God but it made my life more unhappy and it made everyone around me more miserable. I did ask forgiveness from God and Dale and it did get somewhat easier pyschologically. I plod on taking my meds and trying to figure out what are my triggers. It was not good to be angry at God who did care that I was suffering. He is NOT going to fix my issues as far as I know. He is not Healing Sam even though I pray he wakes up in the morning when he has bad bad asthma. I dont know why but I do know that God does hear our cry for help and He feels our tears. He loves you and Juliana very much. and we do too! your sis in law