I didn't want to go to church today, but I knew I needed to go. I have been angry with God for a while. I sit in church and feel like a fraud. I sing the songs and tell people I'm fine but I'm not. I tell my friends who are hurting that I'll pray for them, and I really mean it and I really do it, but when they ask me what they can pray about for me, I say "oh nothing we're fine". Why do I do that? I spent the first year of Juliana's life praying to God for her to get better and for the doctor's to figure out what was wrong with her and we heard nothing. An entire year was spent praying to God and nothing came of it. I felt like I didn't matter. So then I got angry and climbed up my hill and stuck my middle fingers up in the air and said, "well screw you then, I can do it by myself." It's been six months since I've taken on that attitude, and clearly that isn't working either.
Someone told me that God was going to "teach us something through this". I told that person that that was a load of horse crap (well, I used a different word, but I have to keep this G-rated) because what kind of loving God would use an innocent baby as a lesson? Seriously? Are you kidding me? My mom tried to give me a different explanation and I wasn't buying it at the time either-sorry Mom.
So this brings me back to the beginning. I didn't want to go to church this morning, but I did. Dennis gave an excellent sermon on worry. It was like it was written for me (well played, God, well played). The descriptions fit me to a "t"- up at 3 am, not sleeping, not eating, etc. It ended with Dennis challenging us to give our worries back to God. Now, I'm not saying that I'm ready to do that, because I'm still angry, but it definitely has given me something to think about while I am up at midnight or 3 am.