Tuesday, February 2, 2010

My Meltdown...

I just had a meltdown for about 15 minutes. I am tired, frustrated, and angry. Why can't anyone get Juliana to eat?!? I am tired of trying new things and being hopeful that they will work. I am angry that we try the new things and they don't work.

Juliana's dietician suggested we switch Juliana to a different formula. Neocate- google it, it's ridiculously expensive. About $50 a can, and I'm not talking one of those bigger cans, I'm talking a little bigger than the sample cans the pediatrician gives away. RIDICULOUS! Having a food scientist as a husband, I have learned that the cost to make a product is usually pretty low, but the companies can markup the price because people will pay it.

Juliana does not like the new formula. We mix it in with her old formula. She still won't eat it. Normally she will eat for Ryan. Last night, he tried for 45 minutes to get her to take the bottle. Ryan is a patient man (one of the characteristics I love about him), but even he gave up after 45 minutes and only 2 ounces were downed (I'm rounding up about that).

Today I had an institute day. I was already fairly fragile, as we had a guest speaker for our science bunch. His name is Ken Miller. If you don't know who he is, he co-wrote the Biology textbook that our school district uses. He is a professor at Brown University, and to top things off, he was a key witness in overturning the Pennsylvania ruling about teaching Intelligent Design in school. Yes, he is into evolution, as are most science teachers. I think I am one of the few who believes that God created us and that we didn't emerge from primordial soup. Needless to say, I found his presentation interesting, up until he began to poke fun at Ben Stein and his documentary, "Expelled". If you haven't seen it, you should. Of course, I am one of the people who can think of things to say well after the moment has passed, so I sat there mute while he proposed his thoughts on evolution.

I was already a little on edge. After the institute day, my friend Lauren and I went to the gym to work out (the kids were napping). I had a fairly good workout, and was feeling good. I picked up the kids. That's when the crying began. Noah was crying because he wanted to go home and he's constipated, Juliana was crying because she was tired (and probably hungry because she didn't eat well today). We get home, and I get Noah settled in, and get Juliana out and was in the process of putting her for a nap. She refused to eat for me and continued to scream in my arms as I tried to soothe her. I put her in her crib, she screamed for 25 minutes, while I cried in my room- I didn't want Noah to see me cry. I don't even really know why I cried. This happens every day. Maybe it's because I'm tired, frustrated and angry. Either way, when I called my dad, I told him that I can't do this anymore, which is a lie, because I can and I will do it until the issue gets fixed.

Anyway, she was quiet for about 20 minutes, and now the screaming has resumed. So, I guess I'll go try and feed her and give up on the nap for now.

Sorry if this was a downer for you, but I'm just being honest. This is why when people ask how we are doing, it's just easier to say fine, because otherwise this is what you get.


  1. I'm so sorry, Jenna! I wish I could give you a break! Just know that this too shall pass...I know it's easy for an outsider to say that. We're praying for you guys. What if you start with just 1 ounce or even a half ounce of the new formula with 6 ounces of the old stuff and do it super gradual?

  2. I am sorry too my girl...you who don't cry very easily...I am frustrated and want to fix our baby girl and make you better too...and nothing I can think of will do but to hold you and your baby girl in my arms and offer you to the Lord of Heaven and Earth...His arms are the best place for me to think of you, and He does hold you, gently and lovingly, He knows what is good and right for my poor brain has no ideas...

  3. What a day! I hope that Juliana decides to like the new & very expensive formula soon and that you all get a good night's sleep.

  4. I'm so sorry Jenna. I wish there was something I could do. I'm glad your honest though. Bottling things up doesn't help. Love you and will continue to pray for you.