Thursday, July 8, 2010

Are We Failing?

Tonight was a regular night. We had veggie grinders for dinner, and Juliana surprised us by eating several bites of sauteed mushrooms and zuchini, along with the slices of avocado that were on her tray. After that, Ryan got her to eat several bites of this high calorie ice cream he made just for her (I'm not even tasting it because I don't want to know how good it is).

Then it was time for Juliana's bath- at lunch she had decided to mash some bananas in her hair, and at dinner she did the same with avocado. This was her first time being in the tub and not the baby tub. She did well. I yelled down to Ryan and told him not to bring a bottle up with him, because her stomach was hard. We've learned that when her stomach is hard and you try to get her to drink some bottle, she projectiles. She played in the tub, and then started to cry when I took her out- all normal. I laid her on her bunny towel (from Aunt Jenny) and started to sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to her, she started to smile.

Now, I don't know if it was my singing that did it, but her smile turned into the tell-tale look that I have come to know in the 14 months she's been alive. She projectiled. I quickly sat her up and got the towel around her to try to contain it. She continued to projectile. I yelled for Ryan to come and help me. She continued to projectile. Every time we thought she was done, more came out. Finally she was done and it was time to start the bath all over again.

I know that we are doing everything that we know how to get her to eat and gain weight. I KNOW this, but every time she projectiles, I feel like we are failing her. It's not something we can control, but I feel like we are failing her. Eating is supposed to be enjoyable and watching my daughter not want to eat because she has learned that it will hurt her, kills me. I would love to give her my desire to eat or any of this weight that I can't seem to lose, but I can't. All I can do is to continue to do everything we are currently doing, and that doesn't seem like enough to me. We are seeing results with all her other therapies but eating, and it's not for lack of trying. Our feeding therapist busts her butt trying old and new tricks to get Juliana to eat. Our gastroenterologist can't figure out why she won't eat or why she continues to projectile. We are all trying so hard, and we are failing. I don't know what else to do, so if anyone has any suggestions, please let us know. I don't like to fail and I don't like feeling like a failure.


  1. Only God knows the great mystery of our tiny little girl...we cannot control anything...maybe that is the great lesson here for you and your dear hubby...we can do everything we know how to, but only God can and does control the situation. Keep giving it back to Him...He who loves you and your family more than your Dad and I. Love MOM

  2. I'm really sorry Jenna. I can only pray. I wish I could do more, but I guess that is more than enough...

  3. I wish I knew something to help you. I keep praying that God will give you grace and wisdom, but it doesn't seem to be enough either.